NZFF

husband and wife are sitting up in bed reading, When the wife looks over at him and starts a discussion....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again ?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"



WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."



WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan)



WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."




WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"



WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it's almost new."




WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem the proper thing to do."



WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."




WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."



WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No,


WIFE : Why on earth not ?"



HUSBAND : "She's left handed"

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry,but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers on board unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."




When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,


Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5-hour flight."


Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:

"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available"

And so am I .. left handed 'Shh' the Girl friend lives here

Medical Definitions .... There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls


We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls.


Do they, however, know the difference between them ?


Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:



"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say:



"You're next, Chubby"

trust this clears up any confusion.


Medically speaking ... there is no difference in the outcome


... both are fatal.

That's is why I'm still alive today .... I never got married !

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie

they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.



As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says,

'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife."


Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'



Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.




Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'


'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'



'Well, not exactly,' Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her,

"You must be Cooter's widow."


She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'



Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

Are you sure you don't scare the woman off in your yard making noises like a plane and flapping your arms lol

Hmm .. and Hmm .. I'm very sure they loved my arms flapping .. just have to find one close but , I don't understand why it is so hard, checked the malls the streets and even my garden shed... my tool shed .. don't have a garden unless looking after the CHCH council lawn counts, they all seemed to have disappeared

you said it not me

WHAT! DOWSONS .. "I don't think so Bob" .. whoops I mean Glen