by Charl » Mon Apr 16, 2007 5:16 pm
Good evening sir, and welcome to (Insert Airline Name Here).
Please stand in this unbelievably long queue right here, for a very long time.
You should not be impatient, because you are here a full 3 hours before we intend announcing a delay in departure.
Oh, please throw away just about anything that might come in useful on your trip, or make it more palatable - food, squishy things, you know...
Please don't be upset about what we need to do before you go through the customs hoop, this is home-grown security.
You should see what they're going to do to you on the other side (Haw HAW)
Here we go, then, just come and sit in this little isolation box where all the seats are taken, and make yourself comfortable over there against the wall.
Now that we've fleeced you in the duty-free, we are done with the niceties.
Soon we will load you into that tube over there, sorry if it's a bit cramped but bums on seats y'know...
There you are, we are going to ask you to sit here for some hours.
It is a little cramped, and yes, the air is recirculated so you'll catch every bug on the plane, 10 times.
After it's been breathed by someone else.
Very sorry about the air dryness, too, your mucous membranes will recover after a week or so, it's so we don't rust the airframe.
Now then. let's foist some of this plastic crap on you.
Some of it's food, but all of it is designed so you can't hurt us or yourself.
The little rictous of a smile you see on the stewardess is to re-assure you that the worst is yet to come.
While you are here, you will get something called Jet Lag.
This is a romantic-sounding label we've invented so you don't realise it's a process which cooks your brain.
When we open up this sardine can later on, the new guys outside who have replaced the previous guys, will use it to their best advantage.
They will absolutely love the look on your face when you do the "Lost-luggage Tango" for example.
And then there's the "Strip down and go through Nooks and Crannies" routine reserved especially for wiseguys like you, arriving at 4:30 in the morning, local time...
(At this point, dear Reader, if you are still with us, your eyes must become heavy, your head hangs, you must ask yourself:
If I live in Godzone, and have internet access, does this not look like something we may completely do without, unless forced at gunpoint???)
Last edited by
Charl on Mon Apr 16, 2007 5:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.